What a day. Went to the office and then a beach bar. It was nice to look at cute girls and talk with people. I really have little to say these days. I’m rather withered. How many years has it been already? Since I left university, I became a shut-in. Had new clothes - I think I looked sharp. Also, first time I biked to work.

---

After I came back, I went to read Murakami in the park. Also pleasant. Came back, started drawing a character, and played Atlyss with a friend.

---

Nice day, but with the realization that there is a barrier between me and others. I can never cross it. A hedgehog. Nina.

Realized it’s impossible to make music during a heatwave, so I’m putting music on hiatus. I wanted to make a self-deprecating joke about how nobody cares - but I know a few strangers actually do. What’s sad is, my friends don’t. Full focus on drawing and coding.

---

I vow never to drink alcohol alone.

Two months of my blog! It’s really fun… and cathartic to write about my days. Posts where I go into detail help me slow down time. It is so relentless.

---

My favorite activity at work is when something goes wrong, it’s not my fault, and only code analysis is required to pinpoint the issue. It’s like detective work - solving those cases is satisfying.

---

Trying to follow a schedule I set in a calendar app. So far, so good. I prefer rigid timetables, where it’s always clear what to do. I need to sort out my finances, but that’ll take a day. Bookkeeping is great - if you have OCD and like numbers.

---

No time for my code projects these past few days. Once I’m done with them, I’ll focus on this website. Particularly, I would like to show you what I am playing or watching.

---

Current media I’m devouring: Aharen-san, Hard-boiled Wonderland, and Atlyss.

---

Drawing a lot. Also working on an ambient track.

Looks like I can only focus on one thing at a time. I spent the last two days doing drawing exercises; the week before that was all programming. Still no idea how to effectively practice everything I want.

---

My channel is getting some traffic - that’s nice. But where’s my new music? Without a healthier work ethic at my day job, I can’t focus after hours. And without a structured daily plan, I can’t focus on anything at all.

---

Ehh… covering loneliness with pornography.

Finally a weekend - I need to think what to do with all this time. The weather is overcast - wonderful in other words. I used to go on long bike trips, why I stopped?

One thing I dislike about Murakami’s novels is how women always yearn main character. So unrealistic - albeit not completely? I’ve heard that Japan’s favorite pastime is adultery.

---

Didn’t waste an hour whole week. Proud of myself, let’s keep going.

Managed to draw for almost 3 hours today. Might be 10 hours total since I decided on pursuing the skill. A big inspiration would be @arisusyndrome25, or Victor Staris.

---

I really miss talking to Cat, Jeans and few others.

---

Found an hour for ambient sound design! Slightly inspired by Stellar Blade’s shimmers.

---

A chill day - started with a walk, ended with coding my personal project, reading the book, and starting Draw A Box.

---

Need to stop doomscrolling. For fuck’s sake. These breaks to check the same few websites are the worst.

---

It’s hard to do more than three things after work.

Refactoring someone else’s code sucks. I did okay at work, but was really tired whole day. I am fucking sick again… need to finally prioritize my health.

Few days spent on drawing and coding. Started new application in C# and Avalonia, it looks pretty and it will track some of my activities. AI is a tremendous help, especially when learning new frameworks, but I am worried it might dull my skills.

---

I haven’t done anything meaningful in music this month. I’ve almost stopped consuming media, aside from sporadic gaming, but mindless web surfing is still a big issue. I’d love to find balance - shifting my free time toward iyashikei manga and all kinds of books while keeping harmful content at bay.

---

That tracker program could use home server functionality - something I’ve never done before. I picked C# for the project because I want to use Unity in the future. I had such joy prototyping a game with it last year - why the hell did I delete that project?

This might be the best doujin I have ever read.

---

I had a haircut - it does wonders to my outlook on life. Time to forget about my otaku interests and find myself a girl.

---

On a serious note, I will learn drawing fundamentals. Reaching a point where I can texture a pretty face on a model will be sufficient. Good sense of aesthetics already, just need visual skill to achieve godhood.

---

Today I spent three hours drawing a hand, only to settle for a bone sticking out of an arm.

There is a nice river-view park in the area. I went there to read Hard-Boiled Wonderland. I have read some of Murakami’s books before, but I picked this one because it inspired Haibane Renmei.

---

I read two books about running. They didn’t help me pick up the activity.

---

YouTube keeps shoving breakcore down my throat.

Spent a few hours drawing from this reference. I showed it to some friends, and a few people got curious about my drawing – it is a total cutie, after all.

---

Next time, I want to combine several references to create something more original.

---

Someone mentioned they’ve been listening to my song on repeat and would love an extended version.

---

I’ve been really excited ever since I realized I can remix Koukei.

---

You know, I had no real goal since leaving university. But now, something is starting to take shape on the horizon.

---

For a year, I’ve been constantly dreaming about making my own game. And yeah, I need something far-off, years away. Without it, I’ll die to the everyday.

I am conflicted about what to do. Is it time to develop a new skill?

Today I did my best at work - maybe the issue over the past few days was just the boring task.

---

Then I played League of Legends with a friend. The game is fucking garbage - but we can’t find anything better to play. I can’t believe how many technical issues it has - not to mention the bots and unfair matchups.

---

After that, I played Stellar Blade and listened to three hours of celebrity gossip.

---

Turns out a star who was ever-popular since my childhood was a cocaine-fueled psychopath. Had pizza and beer, too. Finished the day with a UFC fight.

---

Someone mentioned something I wrote here. I didn’t even bug them ten thousand times to read my blog. Thanks!

---

I had an internet friend, who disliked Heat Abnormal.

At work, I didn’t do anything again. I had so little strength today.

---

Reintegrating with society would cost me a lot. Is it worth it? Most of my memories say people fucking suck.

---

I think I have gone outside once this June?

A weekend well spent. I wrote a custom music player for this website and continued work on the timer application. Gahh, I wish I had more time to work on it. When will I find such passion for my day job?

---

Someone tracked me down on Steam and invited me to their visual novels server. I should read Flowers or Subahibi next.

---

I can’t let Discord become a substitute for a social life. These days, I only use it for hobby discussion. Getting personal there makes me chase validation way too easily. As a result, I end up emotionally dependent on strangers.

A blogger vanishes around Stellar Blade release - a tale as old as time. Yeah, I have been having fun gaming and posting on chans. Work is not as ste… good, with many people wanting many things from me.

---

I am mad at myself for not touching music past week. I think more and more about visual arts. I want to do everything at once, but don’t actually do anything. Is it relatable?

---

If I get fired, I will start my indie gamedev journey. Last year, I dabbled in Unity, Unreal, and Blender. Nothing great came out of it, but I think I understand what it takes to make a game - a lot.

---

Neeting does not scare me. Suicide is always an option.

I have a personal domain now!

---

There was no entry yesterday, but I took on an unimaginably boring task at work. Then I bought the domain and was figuring out its setup. Lastly, I added an egui interface to my timer app. It sucked terribly - gonna improve it.

---

Today was kinda rough - I had to take a walk to cool down. A small tension at work, shitty analysis to perform. I received my drawing book, but I also want to program a bit. I have three hours left of the eleventh of June.

I had a very nice day at work. I found a major issue which we had overlooked in previous analyses. I also delivered quite a handsome portion of code.

---

Went outside for the first time in a week, got some cookies and beer. The weather was so nice; I should have sat by the river and read. Unfortunately, I wasted too much time listening to people on the Internet talk about politics.

---

There are so many new games to check out. Today, I gave a chance to Vindictus, but it is only worthwhile for its coombait. Their bodies were so veiny… amazing.

---

Ordered a drawing handbook - if I added visual arts to my skillset I would become God.

---

I flourish every time I cut ties with Internet people. I need to do it as often as possible, the effect doesn’t last.

Oh, I woke up so early. Such days are the best, they feel so long. I am tired now, so the sleep will be a pleasure too.

---

Today I played Dolls Nest and Black Myth: Wukong. The first one is interesting, even if a bit tedious at times, and the second game is cinematic, but not fun.

---

Most of the day I spent learning Rust by coding a small timer application - it will help me at work, but it needs a GUI. I am surprised I code during my free time. It started with this nekopage…

Who the hell enjoys summer? Certainly not me. Thankfully I am old enough for the seasons to pass in a blink… It seems like I will spend it gaming, with so many great premieres lately and ahead.

---

Today I was perfecting the boss challenge in Stellar Blade, enjoying the combat system really much.

---

New layout! A bit more stylish, I think. Rectangles are by far my favourite shapes. Next is to create a custom music player, I want to share my every snippet. Had to disable RSS though, hope nobody minds? I will take care of it eventually.

I am gluttonous and addicted to praise, no question about it.
I also really dislike authority - not the most fortunate feature set.

---

Love this song, love Rime.

---

I didn’t leave my apartment this week.

Well, today was not terrible, but I couldn’t focus. I spent so many hours perfecting my latest song, but it was all in vein.

---

I used randomized effects to generate all the bleeps, making every render unique. I exported the track over twenty times to get the best results, but nothing felt perfect. I am beat, and I have started to hate the song - codename heaven.

---

I will leave it for the other day… also, started working on a media subpage, which will be my journal for anime and vidya.

---

My music-related dream is composing a soundtrack for an indie game.

I was gifted some alcohol and finally found time for it. Soon after, I rejoined the Discord community I have left so many times before. My thoughts are all over the place.

---

I am listening to the snippet from the previous post - I really like it. So do my friends, and a few people online as well.

---

I think I got drunk because of how awful I felt about my body earlier. I couldn’t go out, I was afraid of judgement. Such a change from my last post. Despite staying focused at work and having plenty of free time, the day still feels wasted.

I’m back from my little trip. We had a great evening - it was lots of fun meeting up with people from my previous life.

---

I can’t remember the last time I felt this much sunshine on my skin. The rain caught us while we were partying, but thankfully the umbrella held.

---

They cancelled my train, so I stayed longer in nature. It’s been a month of this nekopage - eight followers and eight hundred views.

---

Thank you.

---

Woke up early, had some things to take care of. Met my roommate and we went shopping. We took a small detour while she gathered wildflowers for a bouquet.

---

Talking with her is really my only real human contact, but I don’t feel secure doing it. I don’t know. I can be brash and loud, but with her I’m reserved. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s hot or because we don’t have that many topics to talk about.

---

She nags me about not going outside, too. She doesn’t understand that there’s no reason for me to.

---

Warm weather doesn’t make me too confident, either.

Going to the train station is definitely outside my comfort zone. It felt like crumbling down, but I managed. I can’t believe I let myself degenerate this much - maybe I was never really outgoing, but the sunshine never scare me.

---

With each step outside I reclaim myself, but its only tiniest particles.

I was sexually unstable today, and it put me in a really angsty place. A week ago, my friends and I agreed to meet up tomorrow, and of course I wanted to ball out. I made a little drama about it, prefabricated some problems, and they didn’t care. They wanted me there.

---

I reevaluated everything and found strength to meet them. Just buying those tickets gave me an incredible boost in outlook. That toxic cloud hanging over me vanished instantly.

---

You know, I am rotting here in my little swamp.

I really wonder how much can I expose myself here. I want to post everyday, but things don’t actually happen in my life.

---

Heart-warming how looking up eenoa brings you here, or to my channel. It was a good choice.

Ahh.. I took a C++ task at work and it has been a nightmare. It’s so painful I can’t focus, so I have to stay longer to compensate. When I can I try to work on new music. Need to add more sections to this website, too.

---

When it comes to my emotional life, it’s been dificult. I am a bit reluctant to go outside - I want to hide from everyone.

---

After writing the previous post, I looked in the mirror. Sometimes I’m just effortlessly pretty. It gave me a boost to go for a walk. But it’s sad - even if I manage to go, there’s nowhere to. No one to talk to. Just music, and loneliness.

---

The weather was fresh. The streets were quiet.

I had a rather uneventful romance with streaming services. I can’t really gel with playlists, and it seems like that’s their main focus.

---

I heard about Mood Machine by Liz Pelly, and one idea that stuck with me is that people yearn for generic music. If I actually read the book, maybe I’d have something more substantial to say. But let’s keep it simple: Spotify is evil.

---

I switched to YouTube Music and loved how I could add albums alongside the rare bootlegs and demos I usually find on its main platform. YouTube, all in all, is a great recommendation tool.

---

Unfortunately, more often than not, I felt like I was simply among audience targeted for certain songs. The sense of discovery stopped feeling authentic. What drove me crazy was the amount of repetition. It felt like I was listening to the same few songs over and over.

---

I’m back to using a local library. Soulseek with a customizable music player is all I need. Adjusting metadata, managing my own playlists and album queue, taking time to expand my selection - there is a thrill in caring.

I bought myself a girlfriend. Her name is Tongari Soft and she is like a fluffy cloud. How she envelops me is otherworldly, her understanding is beyond words. We are great together.

---

This description was a lie. I wanted to make it seem all sweet and peaceful, but she left me with cuts…

Someone asked me how have you been?

i am pretty well. thank you. i have been really busy but that is not to say that i am doing anything meaningful in life lol

Macbook Air came in and its setup took my whole day. Obviously, I was barely at work. It’s not funny how little fuck I am giving recently…

---

Finally brought myself to setup my private network with few Samba drives and Jellyfin. Everything seems to be working. It is really neat, everything was almost plug and play. Hope everything stays connected and I won’t have to think about it.

---

I need to take my miraculously well-paid job seriously.

Turns out I configured pagination wrong. I will fix it sometime in the future. I have few other features I want to sort out. Namely, I want to create galleries of things I like. Yeah, there will be dolls.

Having no responsibilities is not a good thing. I didn’t do anything at work. Where is my focus? At least later I did some exercising, checked on my finances and tweaked new song. If only I weren’t constantly distracted by media I would achieve so much more today.

I shut myself inside. What a waste of life. I hate how much I want to hear someone’s voice.

---

It will be Monday in a few minutes. Miku is singing Blood Color Flower. There are so many things I want to be good at, but instead, I choose to rot. I need to let go of the negativity - I have been practicing that. Tomorrow is another day.

---

I miss how Cartagra made me feel last summer.

I am not antisocial, but I wish I were. The desire to share my thoughts and obsessions is uncomfortably strong. This webpage is a result of that. How long can I go without feedback - without a human receiving and answering me?

---

Making this song was a rollercoaster of hyperfocus, which is my favorite state of being.

I was considering Twitter as a platform for my excessive self-expression, but it is an ugly place for ugly people. What I love about this space, is that I can make it look and behave however I please.

After precisely two weeks and forty hours in-game, the formula of this visual delight has grown tiresome to me. I have realized how time consuming it will be, especially without the initial generosity, which concludes my interest in it.

---

Maybe if it offered a better story - but what I saw was dead straightforward, only convoluted by an abundance of meaningless terms.

---

It definitely reignated my interest in drawing and computer graphics.

I learned Ableton implemented some earthshaking improvements in their beta channel, namely, GPU acceleration. I’ve been in a trance since. Only stopped sketching out my new track when my ears started to hurt. That’s not a good testament to its quality.

---

Today I had multiple nosebleeds. My trash is filled with blood and cum.

This week I succumbed to the lowest pleasures. I don’t think I am depressed; rather, my composure just vanished.

---

What a disgusting feeling!

I am sorry to disappoint, but my entire Saturday was spent in Solaris-3.

---

Here is a flower for you, people whose trust I damaged.

Yeah, it is the next day. I reinstalled Wuthering Waves and played for about 4 hours. I also spent some time making music, but it is nowhere near as much as I should have!

---

I want to recreate some flowers I see in the game - my inner cutiepie longs for it.

Not everyone is pefect. Some of us are alone, insecure, irrational. I see myself in Nina, that’s why she is my favorite character.

I have been playing Wuthering Waves every day, and it has been really fun. It is such a well-made game, both visually and audibly. There is enough content in it to drown every other aspect of my life…

---

I really need to shift my attention toward self-improvement and productive hobbies.

I avoid going outside. My insecurities don’t allow me to participate in life. I am trying to fight them, but I will get older and uglier with time. What’s the point? Who would even want to bond with a broken weirdo? Under the hideous mask, I am not even a good person.

There was a cool thread made by a Japanese guy practicing English.

Worth a read if you are interested in a casual outlook on some cultural phenomena revolving around Japan. There was a good faith from both sides, resulting in a nice conversation.

---

On a side note I started Wuthering Waves yesterday and it already clocked at nine hours total…

Everyone can be approximated by their five favourite artists. One of mine is Bli_d.

Nothing on the Internet annoys me more than trends. It’s not like any fandom is hurt, since most of them are dead anyway, but the revivals are so intense yet brief. People latch onto another media soon after, barely scratching the surface of what it had to offer.

---

Why would you mold your avatar to fit such a fleeting affair?

And so it goes. Two weeks of my holiday passed in a blink. The most notable thing I have done was earning every trophy in Crymachina, which inspired my current moniker. Enoa was a precious kid - she deserved every gold star.

---

Puzzling together this little website was also a succesful project. I think - you be the judge. I also spent few nights practicing DJing and playing Dolls Nest. Too bad guitar or Bitwig didn’t see enough love.

---

Today was alright. I went on a short walk twice just to listen to Serani Poji in the sun. A healing experience.

---

Some further tweaking of the blog. I really enjoy the process of writing directly in the repository. Even if .ps1 is a pain, it is a pleasant thing: to automate. In the future I will figure out a way to track here my media consumption.

---

I am not bummed at all about coming back to work.

Why do I even start a blog when so little is happening in my life? The answer is vanity - there has to be a proof that I existed, I can’t have it any other way.

---

Health is rather poor - lately I have been feeling dizzy and tired. Hope it is not diabetes, but I certainly worked hard for it.

Deus Ex endgame quotes are ingrained in me - they are so wonderfully edgy.

Better to reign in hell, than serve in heaven.

If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him.

Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth.

Yeah, today was also spent on this little website. I like how it looks and that it supports my already established workflow for writing.

---

@apt-get came to the city for a show. I didn’t go. It has been few months since I knew about it, but I made no effort to be presentable again. I had the same problem exactly year ago, when I got invited to those damned weddings.

---

Time is flying way too fast.

What have I done today… not much. Besides this blog, that is.